While it is true that I still haven't found work (not for lack of trying, I assure you), and thus have plenty of time on my hands, I haven't managed a post in a long while. Perhaps it's because nothing really has occurred over the past few months... well, not much, anyways.
For those of you who haven't heard, which is most of you (since I really haven't really talked about it), my grandfather passed away two weeks ago. To say that I was not expecting it would be an understatement. I was completely devastated. After all, it was only a week before that I found out he was sick with pneumonia. My parents promised to keep me in the loop, and I guess I just assumed that no news was good news.. and I suppose things were okay for a day or two. Saturday morning, I got a call from my mom saying that Grandpa was in the hospital and they were on their way to see him. At the time, I was in the car on the way to see Book of Mormon with friends, an event planned almost a whole year in advance, and one that we had been excitedly awaiting for a long time. I felt so conflicted... here I was on my way to have fun, and the rest of my family rushing to my grandpa's side. I really felt like I should be there.. but my mom encouraged me to just have fun and that she would call later. I tried to enjoy the evening as best I could... and even got a bit too drunk (long island's are deadly!).
The next days seem rather fuzzy in memory.. Sunday, I took Jeff to pick up his Christmas present (I had given him a gift certificate for this awesome game store in Pasadena "Game Empire"). He had just chosen his game when I got a call from my mom Grandpa wasn't getting any better and they were doing everything they could and we would know by the morning whether he would make it or not... So it was, in the middle of the store, I began crying (to be more correct, I had a panic attack). Jeff hugged me and led me blindly back to the car and drove me home. My mom called me back to say that grandpa had woken up and she held the phone for him so he could say "hello"... but that's all he could muster.
The next morning, I got the call that he had passed away... I knew before I even picked up the phone... and somehow, I feel like I knew this was coming even before that... Last time I went home, with Jeff in tow, we were going to look at wedding rings at my Uncles' store in St. Helena, and I wanted to stop in and see Grandpa on the way back, but we decided that we didn't have time (we had to be home for a cake tasting that afternoon). As we passed, I felt as though this was my last chance.. I even turned to Jeff and said that I had a feeling that I would regret this...
And I do. So much. And despite everyone in my family telling me that I shouldn't feel that way, and that there was no way for me to know this would happen.. I can't help but wish that I would have stopped... such a simple thing.. to stop and say hello... such a simple thing that I neglected to do..
I thought that I had moved passed it and things were back to normal.. but then this past Saturday happened. We met up at a friend's place for a wine and board game night, and everything was fine and we were having fun.... and then, all of a sudden, after having one glass too many, I started sobbing uncontrollably. I want to take a minute to apologize to said friend, and to thank you for being so patient with me.
Anyways... I'm writing this, I guess, because I'm hoping that perhaps getting it all out will help. Not quite sure if it has, but I feel like I needed to let it out... Keeping it in was too hard, and talking about it out loud was even harder.. My Grandpa was a great guy. He could be grouchy and stubborn (like me), but he was so talented, and he always had a story to tell... for anyone who would listen. I wish Jeff could have gotten to know him a bit more.. he seemed to love his stories, and my Grandpa really loved telling them. I feel like we were similar in a lot of ways.. and I'd like to think that we had a special connection, being the artists of the family..
... I love you Grandpa! And I miss you..
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